what the hell are you kids up to

Hello? Hello? Is this thing workin'?
Hi there, name's Mike. I don't have much technical knowhow but in my line of work as a... pest inspector I like to be in the know of weird happenings, so sometimes I go to the local library and check out the interwebs, see what's up.
And what do I see but this fuckin' chatbox thing you kids are using, and I have to say: I DON'T LIKE IT!
There's ghosts and ghouls and beasties and whatever the hell else on this place! One of you keeps posting about mold? He should get that checked out.

This is SERIOUS STUFF, kiddos! Way over all of your soft and impressionable noggins! Go tell your parents about this so they can ban you from the computer or ground you for a million years or whatever. Let the adults deal with the scary stuff! And maybe if you're good after you can have a beer. Don't tell your mom about that one.

If you have concrete evidence of any cryptids though, DROP ME A LINE. I will enact swift justice on it! And also if you have a single mom give me her number too. You know, just so I can let her know when it's all taken care of.

If I worked for any kind of "safety hotline" I would almost certainly get fired without pay in the first week! Not that i'd get hired- I think even just one arson charge would probably not get me an interview.
Also are you implying you're dating that kid's mom? That's rough for him.
...Is she hot?

Well, first I need to know what or who it is- that's gonna massively affect my approach. So usually I knock on the door and introduce myself as an exterminator, taxman, jehovah's witness- whatever gets me inside and talking to them. You'd be surprised at what people will tell you, especially if they're under intense emotional stress, believe me. A couple hours usually gets me what I need to know. Then I convince 'em I can solve their problem, and find some way to get them out of the house for a day or two (this part is tricky but I usually manage). Dealing with pests and/or taxes is messy business, and it's usually easier when i'm alone there. Then, well- i'll take your image of the Rat as an example. Let's say you've got a "rat problem". They're cunning bastards, good at hiding in the shadows and pouncing when you least expect it. My reccomendations? Put spikes on the windows, bear traps behind your bedroom doors, and rig the fridge with pepperspray. Leaving poisoned food out is pretty effective, but on the off chance they smell something off, they'll get REAL aggressive. My reccomendation for that happening is to get the fuck out, but failing that a sharp blade or a loaded firearm and a steady hand might just get you out of there okay. Make sure to burn the body after and mix, uh... "pesticide" into the ashes, so it doesn't come back.

Also, she's a lawyer? I'm not so sure if I want her number anymore, I think she wouldn't be happy about my, uh. "Employment record".

I HATE Lawyers....
One
Time.. they flew to My House because I was some "Terror cyst!"
JESUS would NOT say that!

Tell me about it, sister... You accidentally blow up ONE cave and suddenly you're public enemy number 1 for every park ranger in the US of A for months! I've never terrorised anything! Not on a national scale, anyway.

do u live in ur car too

Can we hang out

jUSTINkILLER wrote:

do u live in ur car too

UH... Nooo.... Definitely not...

UFOShocker wrote:

Can we hang out

Sure. I need to know how fast you can run though, and what kind of beer you like. I can't drink any other kind of alcohol.

rockymountainsmike111 wrote:

jUSTINkILLER wrote:

do u live in ur car too

UH... Nooo.... Definitely not...

UFOShocker wrote:

Can we hang out

Sure. I need to know how fast you can run though, and what kind of beer you like. I can't drink any other kind of alcohol.

I caught up to bigfoot while running once. And i don't really drink beer! I've had aliens put shit in it once and i've never drank it since.

You know what, I respect that. I think if I went sober all my internal organs would stop working but I respect the commitment. Don't think i've encountered an alien before but I bet they're always putting weird shit in people's drinks, like alien Qualuudes or something, damn...

I think it made me pregnant or something.

Damn, that's fucked up. Well, I don't have any tips for raising an alien baby, so... I guess just hope it has super powers and doesn't turn out evil or something.